Festivus: Airing of the Grievances
The Holiday season is here. It’s time for a break from work and to spend some time with family and friends.
One holiday that does not receive the same amount of attention as Christmas or Chanukah is Festivus. This could be because it was a made up holiday on Seinfeld. But, if one were to Google Festivus many links will appear dedicated to this holiday. So it’s out there. And it’s here now.
There won’t be any feats of strength on this blog. This will be solely the airing of the grievances. And as Frank Costanza stated, “The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!”
Before I get to my grievances, here is some background about Festivus as Frank explained it to Cosmo Kramer.
FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
KRAMER: What happened to the doll?
FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
FRANK: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
KRAMER: Is there a tree?
FRANK: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Although Festivus is not celebrated officially until December 23, I will give you a sneak peak of my grievances. Feel free to air yours!
1. The Lions – Everything about them makes me mad. From Matt Millen to Jeff Garcia to Dre Bly to Mike Williams to the Fords to Bobby Ross to Wayne Fontes….
2. John L. Smith – 1-6 to finish the 2005 season. 1-6! 1-6! The play calling (especially defense) was deplorable and stop smirking on the sideline. State lost because you didn’t coach well not because other players didn’t play well or the officials blew a call. You blew it.
3. The Bush Administration – They are evildoers across the board. Cheney is a liar. Rumsfeld is a liar. Bush is a liar. Rove and Libby leaked the name of a CIA official to the media. Jerks.
4. Republicans – Again evildoers for the most part. McCain you’re cool. Arlen Spector ain’t all that bad. But Rick Santorum, Bill Frist, Trent Lott, Orrin Hatch, Tom DeLay, Jeb Bush….Delay you’re a liar. Frist, you’re a doctor and don’t even understand the transmission of HIV. Lott you don’t like African Americans. Hatch you’re just crazy. Santorum, I think you might be in the closet. Come out and the world may be a better place!
5. Democrats – You all are weak babies. You don’t call out the liars and when you do, you do it through Howard Dean and he’s legally insane. Get some testicles please!
6. TBS – You play way too much Friends, Sex and the City and Everybody Loves Raymond. Well guess what, I don’t love Raymond. I guess he’s all right, but I don’t love him. I would shoot myself if I had friends like Ross or Joey or Chandler. And all the girls on Sex and the City are ugly; henceforth it is unlikely they’d be having that much sex. Also, the show is supposed to be liberating for women, but if falls into all the stereotypes about women, shoes, sex and finding Prince Charming.
7. SNL and Tina Fey – Boo! Boo! You fired Jeff Richards, your best cast member, and this year you’re stealing his skits. Boo! Boo! You’re not funny right now Mrs. Fey. You can be, but you aren’t right now.
8. Downriver Communities (namely Southgate) – You don’t ice your sidewalks or shovel them. I almost fell when I was running. Stop being lazy please.
9. Gas Prices – You are making record profits and I am losing money. Screw you big oil. I’m gonna start making my gas out of corn and methanol. Jerks.
10. Financial Aid – I like you, but you haven’t kept up with inflation and gas prices. I work hard…sort of…well I used to…actually I still do. I would like more money so I don’t starve.
11. Attendings that don’t let me do my full presentation – You know who you are. I spent a lot of time making that presentation and you lectured too long and cut into my time. I don’t care if you told me it was above resident’s work and I should be included in the noon lecture series, you cut me short and then treated me like shit. Not cool.
That’s about all I can think of right now. There is more, I’m sure, but this is comprehensive enough.
Happy Festivus!
One holiday that does not receive the same amount of attention as Christmas or Chanukah is Festivus. This could be because it was a made up holiday on Seinfeld. But, if one were to Google Festivus many links will appear dedicated to this holiday. So it’s out there. And it’s here now.
There won’t be any feats of strength on this blog. This will be solely the airing of the grievances. And as Frank Costanza stated, “The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!”
Before I get to my grievances, here is some background about Festivus as Frank explained it to Cosmo Kramer.
FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
KRAMER: What happened to the doll?
FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
FRANK: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
KRAMER: Is there a tree?
FRANK: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Although Festivus is not celebrated officially until December 23, I will give you a sneak peak of my grievances. Feel free to air yours!
1. The Lions – Everything about them makes me mad. From Matt Millen to Jeff Garcia to Dre Bly to Mike Williams to the Fords to Bobby Ross to Wayne Fontes….
2. John L. Smith – 1-6 to finish the 2005 season. 1-6! 1-6! The play calling (especially defense) was deplorable and stop smirking on the sideline. State lost because you didn’t coach well not because other players didn’t play well or the officials blew a call. You blew it.
3. The Bush Administration – They are evildoers across the board. Cheney is a liar. Rumsfeld is a liar. Bush is a liar. Rove and Libby leaked the name of a CIA official to the media. Jerks.
4. Republicans – Again evildoers for the most part. McCain you’re cool. Arlen Spector ain’t all that bad. But Rick Santorum, Bill Frist, Trent Lott, Orrin Hatch, Tom DeLay, Jeb Bush….Delay you’re a liar. Frist, you’re a doctor and don’t even understand the transmission of HIV. Lott you don’t like African Americans. Hatch you’re just crazy. Santorum, I think you might be in the closet. Come out and the world may be a better place!
5. Democrats – You all are weak babies. You don’t call out the liars and when you do, you do it through Howard Dean and he’s legally insane. Get some testicles please!
6. TBS – You play way too much Friends, Sex and the City and Everybody Loves Raymond. Well guess what, I don’t love Raymond. I guess he’s all right, but I don’t love him. I would shoot myself if I had friends like Ross or Joey or Chandler. And all the girls on Sex and the City are ugly; henceforth it is unlikely they’d be having that much sex. Also, the show is supposed to be liberating for women, but if falls into all the stereotypes about women, shoes, sex and finding Prince Charming.
7. SNL and Tina Fey – Boo! Boo! You fired Jeff Richards, your best cast member, and this year you’re stealing his skits. Boo! Boo! You’re not funny right now Mrs. Fey. You can be, but you aren’t right now.
8. Downriver Communities (namely Southgate) – You don’t ice your sidewalks or shovel them. I almost fell when I was running. Stop being lazy please.
9. Gas Prices – You are making record profits and I am losing money. Screw you big oil. I’m gonna start making my gas out of corn and methanol. Jerks.
10. Financial Aid – I like you, but you haven’t kept up with inflation and gas prices. I work hard…sort of…well I used to…actually I still do. I would like more money so I don’t starve.
11. Attendings that don’t let me do my full presentation – You know who you are. I spent a lot of time making that presentation and you lectured too long and cut into my time. I don’t care if you told me it was above resident’s work and I should be included in the noon lecture series, you cut me short and then treated me like shit. Not cool.
That’s about all I can think of right now. There is more, I’m sure, but this is comprehensive enough.
Happy Festivus!
posted by az at 12:04 AM
5 Comments:
That should feel better. I have grievances too. Maybe I will aire them as well. For now I will aire my grievances with your grievances. I am like a mother. (A drunk, whorish mother)
In number 1, you forgot one name of mention. Please say "Joey Harrington". If you are talking about Lions and disappointment, please include Joey. Please.
I can't get into specifics of politics, because I am ignorant and bored. Bush gets a vote from me though. I love the whole theory of needing to say we can win the fabricated and completely misconstrued "war" in Iraq so our troops don't feel bad. I think that they are smart enough to figure out that they have no clue why they are still there. Seriously, I hope they make it home alive.
TBS-Sex and the City-This is the most overrated and played out show ever. It is like an old school pop song on Tower 98. The only thing is that the character Charlotte (Kristen Davis) is classically gorgeous!!
I agree Tina Fey is not funny this year. Amy Pohler is a redeemer.
Do you want me to get you some more money from financial aid? I will go down there and shake a fist at someone important. If they won't budge, I will burn their building down. Same goes for your presentation. Just let me know. I have a lot of time on my hands to plot and plan and destroy.
Ok, I should go to bed. I have to get up soon to go to work. Since there is up to an inch of ice on the roads, it will probably take me forever to get there. God damn arctic front. This is Texas.
P.S. I actually spelled an actual work in your "word" verification - it was mold.
thank you for airing your grievances. it does feel better to do this. everyone should do it. thanks for kicking ass for me. someday maybe i'll be man enough to do that.
i don't want to think right now, but i'm angry with fox for the arrested development thing!
I don't like it when people from Monroe refuse to go to Arctic State even after The Penguins win the national championship.
Fu Schnickens.
you're right dj. and what about the dude from frat rock. seriously, we were champions.
fu schnickens i say! fu schnickens!
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